You might be a redneck if you think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.

You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

I'm very lucky in that I've gotten to do a lot of things. But if you ever put a gun to my head and said, "You can only do one," I'd think it would be stand-up. I think it's the coolest job in the world.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.