It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.

The only negative about doing stand-up is that you're on the road by yourself. When you're on the road with comics we just crack each other up every night going, "Can you believe they're paying us to do this? They're crazy.

Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.

You might be a redneck if getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

You might be a redneck if you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You might be a redneck if it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.