You might be a redneck if your grandfather completely executes the pull my finger trick at the family reunion.

You might be a redneck if your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

You might be a redneck if you have started a petition to change the National Anthem to Georgia on My Mind.

Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking.

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.

We really didn't have the option of being couch potatoes when I was growing up. There were only three television channels and the only kid's programming was on Saturday morning. We always played outside until we could hear Mom calling us (not by cell phone but with her hands cupped around her mouth) that it was dinner time.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!