Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

You might be a redneck if you're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.