If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's babydoll.

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.

I've got keys to crap I've never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.

You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You might be a redneck if there is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

When I did the sitcom I was too naive. I thought, Well, they know what they're talking about, let's do that.

I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.