If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's babydoll.

If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

You might be a redneck if you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said, You don't ever get into this really thinking you're gonna make it.