Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

You might be a redneck if Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

I love comedy. God has given me this platform.

If your stomach blocks your view of your feet, cover it up! The only people who should be wearing belly shirts are people who don't have bellies. Now those little baby spare tires are kinda cute; tractor tires aren't! Especially if they've got hair on them!

You might be a redneck if...your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.