Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.

If you're a redneck, you have that blood flowing through your veins. That's almost on the bucket list, to hear "Freebird" live.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

You might be a redneck if your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.

Any job that posts a price list for your body parts is a bad job.