You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.

The only negative about doing stand-up is that you're on the road by yourself. When you're on the road with comics we just crack each other up every night going, "Can you believe they're paying us to do this? They're crazy.

You might be a redneck if The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You might be a redneck if your vehicle has a two-tone paint job - primer red and primer gray.

You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

I'll just have itchy, watery eyes!

Women in bed are like Diesel engines. What I mean by that is, it may take them a while to get going, but when you do, they can go for a long, long time. Whereas men are like... bottle rockets.