When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex.

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy.

We probably stagnate our children's emotional growth by not letting them have some separation from us.

You might be a redneck if your birth announcement included the word rug rat.

A lot of people up North, they think everybody from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I told them, 'I'm just dating my sister and couldn't swear that it wasn't a weather balloon.'

You might be a redneck if you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.