The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'

If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's babydoll.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You might be a redneck if your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.