I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.

You know that you are a teacher when you spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.

You might be a redneck if you've ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when your kids were born.