You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

This happened to me last week. We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth! Here's your Sign!

You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.

If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's babydoll.

You might be a redneck if you're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.