I'm very lucky in that I've gotten to do a lot of things. But if you ever put a gun to my head and said, "You can only do one," I'd think it would be stand-up. I think it's the coolest job in the world.

By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

A lot of people up North, they think everybody from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I told them, 'I'm just dating my sister and couldn't swear that it wasn't a weather balloon.'

The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'

I actually had a chance to be in Delta Farce, but I couldn't do it because I read the script.

You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.