I'm very lucky in that I've gotten to do a lot of things. But if you ever put a gun to my head and said, "You can only do one," I'd think it would be stand-up. I think it's the coolest job in the world.

I'm two decisions away from putting up drywall for a living. I am, and there's nothing wrong with that, but whatever I got, it's through the grace of God, and I've got to use it right.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing I Will Always Love You.

If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.

All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says Say No To Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.