You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

The only negative about doing stand-up is that you're on the road by yourself. When you're on the road with comics we just crack each other up every night going, "Can you believe they're paying us to do this? They're crazy.

You might be a redneck if when you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.

Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates.

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.