You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.

You might be a redneck if you can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

You might be a redneck if your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

If your stomach blocks your view of your feet, cover it up! The only people who should be wearing belly shirts are people who don't have bellies. Now those little baby spare tires are kinda cute; tractor tires aren't! Especially if they've got hair on them!

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.