You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

If your stomach blocks your view of your feet, cover it up! The only people who should be wearing belly shirts are people who don't have bellies. Now those little baby spare tires are kinda cute; tractor tires aren't! Especially if they've got hair on them!

Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.

You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.