Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!

You might be a redneck if during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.