Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!

You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.

As an individual, as a household, you can't spend more money than you're bringing in. You can do it for a little while, but you end up going broke and you end up losing everything you have. That is the path that we're on as a country, and it scares me to death.

You might be a redneck if directions to your house include turn off the paved road.

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates.