You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You might be a redneck if more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You might be a redneck if the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are Howdy!, Hey! or How Y'all Doin'?

You might be a redneck if you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went Oww! What was that for?, and she goes I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill. I said I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we'll both be happy.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.