I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

This happened to me last week. We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth! Here's your Sign!

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck.

If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.

All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.

You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.