I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?

You might be a redneck if your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

I would love for someone to offer me a serious part in something. I don't know if I could even pull it off, but I would like to be the cowboy that rides off and someone shoots him off the horse in the middle of town. Just a serious role. It wouldn't have to be a big one.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.