I wish I could relate to the people I'm related to.

You might be a redneck if you go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says Say No To Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.

You might be a redneck if...the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.