I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

Women in bed are like Diesel engines. What I mean by that is, it may take them a while to get going, but when you do, they can go for a long, long time. Whereas men are like... bottle rockets.

You might be a redneck if the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are Howdy!, Hey! or How Y'all Doin'?

You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.