I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.