I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

Every generation thinks they invented sex, which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case, you wouldn't even be here.

The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

You might be a redneck if you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to run out on the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here, ain't it! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna go take a nap now, all right?"

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.