You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

A lot of people up North, they think everybody from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I told them, 'I'm just dating my sister and couldn't swear that it wasn't a weather balloon.'

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

Women in bed are like Diesel engines. What I mean by that is, it may take them a while to get going, but when you do, they can go for a long, long time. Whereas men are like... bottle rockets.

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.