Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You might be a redneck if when you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.