You might be a redneck if your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."

I've got keys to crap I've never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.

You might be a redneck if your 'huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

Any job that posts a price list for your body parts is a bad job.

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.