When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

You might be a redneck if you dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You might be a redneck if you watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn.

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.