I talked to Larry the Cable Guy the other day. Larry's made more money than 10 people should ever make in a lifetime. He was excited because he'd gone over to the livestock auction and bought 20 new feeder pigs.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You might be a redneck if your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You might be a redneck if your birth announcement included the word rug rat.

You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.