I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.

Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.

You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

You might be a redneck if in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

A lot of people up North, they think everybody from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I told them, 'I'm just dating my sister and couldn't swear that it wasn't a weather balloon.'

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.