People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

The only negative about doing stand-up is that you're on the road by yourself. When you're on the road with comics we just crack each other up every night going, "Can you believe they're paying us to do this? They're crazy.

You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy.

As an individual, as a household, you can't spend more money than you're bringing in. You can do it for a little while, but you end up going broke and you end up losing everything you have. That is the path that we're on as a country, and it scares me to death.

You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

You might be a redneck if you watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.