People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

We're a heart attack away from losing the right to bear arms.

You might be a redneck if you're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy.

You might be a redneck if...Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.