You might be a redneck if your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

You might be a redneck if you have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You may be a redneck if . . . you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.