You might be a redneck if your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

You might be a redneck if...your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.

I'll just have itchy, watery eyes!

People should see your faith. If all you do is talk about your faith and people don't see it, but they ought to see it in the way you treat your family, you treat your friends, you treat your community.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.