Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

If someone at Fleet Farm offers you assistance and they don't work there you might live in Wisconsin.

You might be a redneck if you think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You might be a redneck if your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.

When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex.

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.