Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You might be a redneck if... your high school basketball game got rained out.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.

You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.