You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

This happened to me last week. We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth! Here's your Sign!

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

I've got keys to crap I've never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.