If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to run out on the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here, ain't it! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna go take a nap now, all right?"

We really didn't have the option of being couch potatoes when I was growing up. There were only three television channels and the only kid's programming was on Saturday morning. We always played outside until we could hear Mom calling us (not by cell phone but with her hands cupped around her mouth) that it was dinner time.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

I wish I could relate to the people I'm related to.