Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.

You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.