I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.

If you don't have anything good to say about someone, you must be talking about Hillary Clinton.

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

You might be a redneck if your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy.

I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.