You know that you are a teacher when you spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

Redneck is: the glorious absence of sophistication

You might be a redneck if...Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.