You know that you are a teacher when you spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.

You might be a redneck if your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best picture.

You might be a redneck if somebody hollers ho-down and your girlfriend hits the floor.

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.

You might be a redneck if during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.