hope your birthday is hot hot hot

It's not easy to writing thank-you notes for the stuff you didn't want in the first place.

Dear Aunt Loretta, Thank you so much for the awesome pants! How did you know I wanted that for Christmas? I love the way the pants look on my legs! All my friends will be so jealous that I have my very own pants. Thank you for making this the best Christmas ever! Sincerely, Greg

Well, the problem is, it's not easy for me to think of ways to improve myself, because I'm pretty much one of the best people I know.

So I've started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don't need Santa seeing me in my underwear.

The only reason I get out of bed at all on weekends is because eventually I can't stand the taste of my own breath any more.

See, when you're a little kid, nobody ever warns you that you've got an expiration date. One day you're hot stuff and the next day you're a dirt sandwich.