The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

It's just thinking of funny things that will amuse us and entertain us and we'll come and do it.

We live in the worst country in the world. At least we do for lazy, inefficient, office-bound police, whose response to an extraordinary rise in violent crime is to order more speed cameras.

[on the BMW X3] If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here's your car.

If we build three million new houses by 2020, where will we grow all the stuff needed to feed the people who live in them?

Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the Ebola virus and you're about to sneeze.

Like every big organisation these days, the BBC is obsessed with the wellbeing of those who set foot on its premises. Studios must display warning notices if there is real glass on the set, and the other day I was presented with a booklet explaining how to use a door. I am not kidding.