All this health and safety talk is just killing me.

Sometimes I stagger even myself with my genius.

Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.

The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!

The fact is that Britain is the most warlike nation on earth. In the history of armed combat, we are the only democracy to have declared war on another democracy - England versus Finland in the second world war, in case you're interested - and we're always at the front of the queue when Johnny Foreigner gets a bit uppity. Who stood up to the Kaiser? Who stood up to Adolf? And let's not forget the Argies. What other country would have sent its fleet halfway round the world and lost 250 men to protect a flock of sheep and some oil that might or might not be there? We're still at it.

The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler

God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.