When you've finished using a car, put the f***ing seat back, so humans can use it afterwards.

Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you.

My epiglottis is full of bees!

The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler

Why is the forecast so bland? Why instead of 'stormy' don't they just say the sea's 'a frothing maelstrom of terror and hopelessness'?

This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying “Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.”

I rang up Jay Kay, who's got one, and said: 'Can we borrow yours?' and he said, 'Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.'