Governments would rather spend their money on another bomber than education, and why do we fear black men when every bit of suffering in our lives has a Caucasian face attached to it?

They are by far the worst drivers. They are spiteful, dithering, old and in the way. They should have their licences taken away.

Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is he’s called the Stig.

If a football official were to call for a slow-motion replay every time Didier Drogba fell over, each match would last about six weeks.

Unlike furious thin-lipped feminists, I tend not to draw distinctions between men and women, apart from in bed where you really do need to spot the difference.

This is perfect for India because everyone who comes here gets the trots.

Like every big organisation these days, the BBC is obsessed with the wellbeing of those who set foot on its premises. Studios must display warning notices if there is real glass on the set, and the other day I was presented with a booklet explaining how to use a door. I am not kidding.