Being smarter than you look is better than looking smarter than you are.

I wore a groove in the kitchen floor with endless trips to the fridge, hoping against hope that I had somehow missed a plateful of cold sausages on the previous 4,000 excursions. Then, for no obvious reason, I decided to buy a footstool.

I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.

Mix an anorexic body with a heart made of pure fire and you are going to go with a savagery that's hard to explain.

Does anyone really imagine for a moment that my wife gives two stuffs about global warming? She certainly did not appear to be all that bothered on Thursday evening when, during the great carbon-saving switch-off, I ran round the house furiously turning on every light, hair dryer, dishwasher and toaster.

They are by far the worst drivers. They are spiteful, dithering, old and in the way. They should have their licences taken away.

Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the Ebola virus and you're about to sneeze.