Being smarter than you look is better than looking smarter than you are.

You have city centre pubs where men go to meet girls, not realising that all girls in city centre pubs have thighs like tug boats and morals that would surprise a zoo animal.

She can take a year to read something, whereas I like a book that becomes more important in my life that life itself. When I was in the middle of 'Red Storm Rising' by Tom Clancy - which was not selected for the Man Booker shortlist - you could have taken my liver out and fed it to the dog. And I wouldn't have noticed.

There are many rules for the elderly in the Highway Code. I have one too, and here it is: get a bloody move on.

They are by far the worst drivers. They are spiteful, dithering, old and in the way. They should have their licences taken away.

You know what, I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.