Because drug dealers shoot each other in London, Norfolk farmers can't have guns to defend their homes. I mean, no one wants a gun - except at 4am when they hear a strange sound in the kitchen.

We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.

Governments would rather spend their money on another bomber than education, and why do we fear black men when every bit of suffering in our lives has a Caucasian face attached to it?

No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It's cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful.

Being smarter than you look is better than looking smarter than you are.

The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite

If the Scottish want to break away, I shall stand on Hadrian's Wall with a teary handkerchief, and say: 'Good riddance to the lot of you, and take your stupid bagpipes with you.'