There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don't have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?

That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.

We know the product is going to stink. We know that because we live in the world, and we know that everything stinks. We all believe, Hey, maybe this one wont stink. We are a hopeful species. Stupid but hopeful. But were happy in that moment between the commercial and the purchase. And I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.