I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.