I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.