I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.