The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.