When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!