I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.

Say what you want about the deaf.