My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.