My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.