My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.