My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

How many airports are there in the world?

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.