Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.