I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

Say what you want about the deaf.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.