I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.