I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.